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 Carol's suicide

Excerpt from Anne Givaudan's book

 "Breaking of Contract "

SOIS Editions


 « In this book I would like to talk to you about those who, after a time on earth that they experienced as endless despair, wanted to bear witness to their life and their afterlife. »

   Anne Givaudan, medium
____________

 Part 1 /2

 Preamble

« My parents are rich and I am their only child. One day they received, as they did once a year, personalities, journalists and clients, in connection with their work.
 I had fun, as always, running between the tables set up for this purpose, to serve the cocktails and to hear the amused thanks of the adults in front of this eager little girl.
 I was just seven years old and I had accidentally knocked over a tray loaded with glasses filled with cocktail.

 As I was about to run to warn the lady who was doing the service, I heard a person throw a few words that like poisoned arrows paralyzed me:

 “How clumsy this little one is! How could such talented parents give birth to such a disabled child?. »

 This murderous sentence remained engraved in me and even if I thought I had forgotten it, It continued its destructive work by regularly reminding itself to me.

 From that day on, my long legs, which I compared to those of herons, my tall stature, my thinness, seemed to me a major handicap which I could not get rid of and which I could not change.

 (...) Imperceptibly, I began to resent my parents for being so beautiful and so happy while I struggled with what I believed to be my handicaps. »

✩ ✩

  Slowly, Carole was sinking into a world that no longer had any meaning.
 Her parents tried in vain to get her to talk. The girl no longer wanted to speak or even eat. His parents, overwhelmed with concern, had called on the best specialists and psychotherapists. Carole no longer wanted to live.
 She had decided to end her life and nothing would stop her.

 It was in her mother's medicine cabinet that she found the solution: small boxes of sleeping pills lined up in front of her, neat and attractive. Her mother, who was sometimes anxious, had these pills regularly prescribed for fear of running out of them during one or other of her trips, although she only took them occasionally. The pink and white capsules of forgetfulness now slid easily down Carole's throat as she savored the moment when the nightmare that her life had become would finally come to an end... or so it did she thought. Everything seemed simple to him and death, at this moment, did not seem dramatic to him, quite the contrary.

 She barely had time to stagger back to her room as if she'd had too much to drink. An opaque mist interposed itself between her and the bed then, nothing more… Just a dark spiral, in which the young girl felt sucked without any possibility of control…

 Carole had just come out of her body and was now staring in horror at the lifeless body lying beneath her.
 A long, almost lean body lay there across his bed and seemed to have lost all light, all consistency.
 Suddenly, a flash of lucidity crossed her: she realized that this body was hers. Above all, she didn't want to die. She wanted to scream:

 - Come, come quickly, I don't want to die, I'm scared, I'm very scared, dad, mom, save me!

 Only silence answered him. In the big sleeping house, no one seemed to hear him.
 Desperate, Carole rushed to Mademoiselle, her governess. She shook her, shouted to her to come and save her:

 "I'm too young, I don't want to die"
she begged as her hand passed through Mademoiselle's body, who turned and fell asleep again.

 « Help, help! »
she screamed from the top of the stairs.

 Someone finally seemed to have heard her, she perceived a noise that sounded like footsteps coming from the kitchen, Carole regained hope while she anxiously watched the one who finally arrived.
 That she wasn't surprised to see Lou, her big black Labrador, running up to meet her without hesitation.

 Carole gaped.

 He was there, he saw her. With his big eyes full of kindness, he was even looking at her in a strange way, he was staring at her, as if he wanted to understand and suddenly he climbed the stairs and began scratching forcefully at the bedroom door Carole's parents.

 This big dog with tender eyes was his only hope.

 - What's happening to you, Lou, it's not an hour to come and wake us up, groaned Carole's father, suddenly roused from his sleep. But faced with the insistent attitude of his dog, he put on a dressing gown and opened the door.

 Lou, without hesitation, walked towards Carole's bedroom door, followed by the father who finally understood.

 The young girl clung to her father's back:
«Jesus or God, make them come in time. » she prayed, not knowing what else to do.

 « Dad, don’t let me die…. »



 The young girl out of her body looks at the doctor who, finally there, gets busy. She captures his thoughts and thanks him from the bottom of her heart. His gestures are precise, he knows what to do. When he finally gets up, it is with great compassion that he looks at the parents:

 - It's too late, I can't do anything more for her, I'm really sorry.

 While saying this, he thinks of his own children, teenagers too, and the desperate cries of Carole's parents and Mademoiselle are unbearable to him.

 Carole's father accompanies the doctor while Carole follows him completely devastated, too.

 « I am dead and I cannot even console my parents, nor cry out my distress, nor say that I am alive since I am here.
 My God, how ill I am, how stupid I feel, papa, mamma, forgive me this pain which is yours and which I did not want. Not for a moment have I thought of you, it's true, and now I don't want to die… I don't want to anymore, I don't want to… I want to live. »

 Carole's cries are lost in an echoless infinity that no one hears. Only Lou, the dog approaches her as if to console her and tell her that he sees her and knows where she is.

 « Too late, I'm dead and yet here I am… what am I going to do now?" »

 Carole feels despair overwhelm her again. An immense despair, without hope of end this time, the despair of having missed something important. His thoughts are confused:

 « I can't even put an end to this new state, I still think, I live and I can't put an end to this suffering that inhabits me. What will I become. »

 Another sob escapes the young girl. Sadness now reigns around his body and in the house.

 « Guilty, I feel so guilty! »

 Carole wanders around the house without seeing that time is passing. The funeral has taken place and she is still there not knowing what to do.

 No one sees her and the pain of all those who love her reaches her to the heart of her soul.

 Carole captures the thoughts that come to her from each other:

 Her father thinks he should have acted faster and had his daughter treated sooner. Her mother blames herself for not having spent enough time with this growing young beauty and Mademoiselle regrets having judged that rich children had no right to complain.
 Her French teacher also thinks that he could have guessed this discomfort through Carole's attitude in class.
 Her best friend blames herself for having neglected Carole a little since her accident (motorcycle in which Carole's friend lost his life), but she had changed so much that communication had become difficult.

 The young girl feels terribly powerless to tell them that she loves them and that her misfortune does not come from them.

 « How could I ignore all these people who loved me and whom I no longer saw, so busy was I with myself? »


 Part 2 /2


  Time passes on earth and Carole is now in a foggy and dark world, the world of her remorse, her doubts, her fears. She remains there curled up waiting for a "je ne sais quoi" that can save her from this universe without light.

 « My God, what will I become ? »

 Sadness now reigns in the house, no one sees her and the pain of all those who love her reaches her to the heart of her soul.

 Her mother has become depressed and, on sedatives, she works less and less while her father is hardly present, still in love with his wife but powerless to cure her pain.
 Carole's room has become a sanctuary where no one can enter. Her single mother spends hours there praying over her daughter's photos and clothes.
 Mademoiselle no longer has a job and mopes as a housekeeper for a couple of old friends.

 Carole's parents are aging badly, alone and without friends, still united but so sad. Carol is crying. She measures with horror the consequences of her act.

 « What did I do ? » remains the question that obsesses him.

 In the dark spiral in which she spins endlessly, grappling with her shadows, Carole feels a day, or perhaps a night, a hand that grabs her and pulls her vigorously towards what she feels is the top of her world. Carole puts up no resistance, everything is preferable to this “mental prison” in which she has now locked herself up.

 In what remains of her, she feels a little light, a little warmth. While she is surprised, her eyes begin to perceive the silhouette of the person who takes it off. Both finally stop, while the embrace loosens. Carole lets out a joyful exclamation:

 - Grandfather, it's you... but what are you doing here?

 The grandfather smiles as Carole soon perceives her grandmother and Tom (his recently deceased friend riding a motorbike). She explodes with joy as her grandfather replies:

 - We looked for you and I had a lot of trouble finding you among the meanders of your soul. You had locked yourself in the opaque and pernicious mists of your emotions and it took me a long time to manage to cross the layers of your universe.

 Carole runs from one to the other like a happy little girl. Tom takes her by the shoulders.

 « You will now take stock of your lives, Carole. It is high time for your because the time of your new incarnation is approaching..

 Carole does not understand everything, but willingly agrees to this proposal. She simply knows that she will have access to lives that she does not even suspect and that a return to earth is preparing. She had time to reflect in her mental prison and now she is preparing for any eventuality.

 Lives pass by and Carole takes her breath away:
 It's her, this Japanese suicide bomber, who puts an end to her life rather than being taken prisoner. It is still her, this depressed mother who commits suicide after the departure of her husband. She is also this prisoner who commits suicide in prison where he is condemned for a crime he did not commit.

  She sees as an obvious repetition, these lives which parade and which all say to her:

 - You have not yet passed the test, the one where you will finally free yourself from this repetition to move forward and move on to another stage of your story. You are going to start again because your soul wants it and knows that we can't escape ourselves.

 The girl does not say a word and, in the silence of her heart, she accepts. A hand on her shoulder comforts her, she knows it's Tom's and he's understood. He whispers:

 « I was the husband who left and for whom you committed suicide. I came back so that together we could reweave a new starting story. I will return to your side again and this time we will succeed. »

 - What will become of those I could have helped?

- In your next life, his grandmother told him, you will help those whose path has been modified by your act and you will once again have the temptation to kill yourself with all the possibilities of passing through the ordeal. This time, you will have to succeed...

 - This time, I will succeed! Carol repeats, I want to incarnate myself quickly and do what I have to do best.

The medium resumes the story:
 The young girl, determined, looks at me with that luminous gaze that I meet in those who have understood what Life expects of them and above all what they expect of themselves.

 At this precise moment, down on earth, in a poor neighborhood of Rio, a woman has just learned that she is still pregnant. It's the fourth time in four years and the news doesn't make her happy.

 « Provided that at least it's a boy this time... », she says to herself.

 Carole looks at me and her last words are filled with tenderness:

 - It will be my mother and I will be her fourth daughter and not the last. I know my life won't be easy, I've seen some of it. And yet this time I fully accept everything that I will attract to me. I want to do my best with the new cards I gave myself.
Life brings, for everyone, the events that he is able to go beyond and integrate to access another dimension of his personal history.


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