« In this book I would like to talk to you about those who, after a time on earth that they experienced as endless despair, wanted to bear witness to their life and their afterlife. »Anne Givaudan, medium
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« It all started where I thought it would all be over.
When that morning, after having kissed more tenderly than usual, the children going to school with their Nannie, I lay down in the bathtub full of water with the sharp blade of the razor, I was convinced that the fear would finally leave me. I savored this last snub that I was doing to this life that no longer wanted me... and while life was gradually leaving me, I had a last start, as if the opaque veil that had surrounded me until then finally broke.
The faces of Paul and the children suddenly appeared to me with clarity and the Love that I thought I no longer felt dwelt in me with an intensity that I had not known for a long time. In a few moments that seemed to last indefinitely, my life unfolded, without judgment, without emotion, other than Love and suddenly I knew...
I had gone wrong, I had not finished, my story was incomplete, I could not leave now, it was too soon, life, my life was important and, like all life, I couldn't interrupt its course. The sense of the sacred that I had never experienced before now filled me as if it had always been part of me. I didn't want to leave anymore but it was too late and my lifeless body beneath me bathed in water red with blood made me feel nauseous. I felt like I had committed a crime.
It was without knowing that the worst was yet to come.
✩ ✩
When my son came in and discovered me, I thought I was going to die a second time. I felt his immense dismay and stupor, as if it were happening to me. I then began to suffer the pain of every person I loved who discovered my lifeless body.
Feelings of helplessness, anger, abandonment, the pain of betrayal, everything that inhabited each one hit me head-on and transformed inside me into an intolerable pain.
I was getting worse and worse and that hell was a thousand times more painful than the one I thought I had known on earth.
My poor husband wept for his impotence and blamed himself:
« I should have seen that she was going to commit suicide… If I had been more present, it wouldn't have happened… And the children… I don't even know how to console them… I'm incapable. »
I wanted to tell him that no one was responsible for my death. That I alone had locked myself in this black and sticky cocoon, but I could say nothing, do nothing, no one heard me, I could only feel.
« Paul I love you. You have nothing to do with my act. Nothing could lately distract me from the decision I had made. I was so focused on me, just me.
I just realized how much I love you. »
The man doesn't hear and the young woman, like a ghost, tries to caress his cheek then steps back and cowers in her pain and before so much waste.
I was devastated because I never thought I would cause so much pain or feel so much.
✩ ✩
From where I was, I could only helplessly watch the repercussions of my act on all those I loved; to everyone's misguidances or their difficulties of life.
Paul, who was still angry with me for having left him so abruptly, had ended up remarrying, but Paul Junior was very disturbed on the psychic level and navigated between vice and virtue. Every day he destroyed himself a little more, by all the means he found within his reach or that he invented.
Her sister, now become a beautiful young girl, clung desperately to any man she met, ready for all the turpitudes to avoid being abandoned, which despite everything happened to her regularly.
The doctor friend had just died and I knew his life had been reduced by the guilt and grief he had been experiencing since my suicide.
My suffering was unfathomable and I could not see the end of it, until one day when I tried to send a little courage and tenderness to my daughter, beaten by a passing companion who had abandoned her for a other. She was crying and thinking of ending her life, she called me and I heard her voice pleading:
« Mom, why did you abandon me, I need you so much, your advice, your arms. I want to join you… »
I didn't know what to do, I was so lost in front of this call that resonated in me. I would have given anything so that she could see me, hear me even for a moment.
How to tell him that death was not the solution, that death did not exist and that the solution was always where we were.
That's when the “miracle” happened. I saw moving towards me a silhouette of light whose outlines became more and more precise as it approached.
A being, man or woman, I cannot say, was finally there, in this world of silence, where I felt so alone.
« Your prayer is heard, he said warmly. You will be able to talk to your child for a few minutes of Earth time. This will be your only possibility before your approaching incarnation…
A little later we will explain to you what awaits you and why you are going to return to earth. »
I wasn't listening anymore, only one thing mattered now, I was going to be able to help my daughter, she was going to hear me and maybe I could hug her.
On a gesture from the Being, I felt myself rocking and immediately I saw my daughter in her small hotel room and her growing disarray.
- Lili look, I'm here.
Lili watches, without believing it, while Sophie approaches her, dressed in a dress that her daughter knew well when she was a child.
« Mom, is that you? Lili's voice is incredulous.
- Honey, I wanted to tell you that I love you and that I never wanted to abandon you. You are of great value to me. Suicide is terrible, life, your life like that of any living being is sacred. I don't forgive myself for abandoning you. Suicide is a betrayal, a breach of contract with oneself.
« Me too, I believed that this act would put an end to my sufferings and I saw how much, far from disappearing with my body, they were even more intense afterwards. They are not physical but so much more terrible to bear. They are called: guilt, powerlessness and are coupled with the feeling of failure in the face of an obstacle that seems derisory seen from further away, from higher up.
« When you feel at an impasse, withdraw into yourself for a few moments, if you can, and look at the situation you are experiencing, like a spectator of the scene being played out.
« We are much more than the role we give ourselves.
Sophie pauses for a moment to take the time to choose her words, while her daughter dares not move for fear of interrupting this vision.
- I love you, my Lili, my little one, my beauty. I'll only show myself to you once, but keep this vision in your heart and know that I will always be near you, even if you do not see me, even if you do not feel me.
« Beside each of us, there is someone who loves us, a bit like a guide. No one is ever alone in the world...
- Mom, is staying a little longer...
- I still have a lot to fix in my story, my dear, but never forget that I love you and that love will be our strongest bond. I have to go now… I can't even hug you, but from that day on, all you have to do is call on me and I'll be there, wherever you are. »
Lili suddenly feels her heart and her body breathing differently… As if a space was being created within her, allowing her to breathe life deeply and intensely. She remains there without moving, afraid to realize that it was only a dream and that everything will disappear when she wakes up. No, she has been awake for a long time and this apparition which inhabits her will henceforth help her to accomplish her own story. The smile of her mother, who she now knows has not abandoned her, is etched in her, for better or for worse.
On the soul planes, a Being of Light awaits Sophie.
« Sophia, he said in a cheerful voice, no one punishes suicide. You alone judge yourself and suffer. We have been close to you for a long time, although you never became aware of our presence during your life on earth.
« Today your soul feels the urge to return to this same land.
« Your program will be as follows: When you return to earth, you will have a disease that is difficult to cure. You will die of this disease at the end of the 16 years you have left to live.
« How you live these years and what you bring to everyone, it will only be up to you. But do not forget that, whatever the episodes of your life, we will always be close to you.
« As for Lili, you will see her again and you will know how to help her. »
